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"When their eloquence escapes me, their logic ties me up and rapes me."

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

11:06AM

God just gave me the biggest hug and kiss ever! i love the Lord i serve. He is truly amazing and wonderful and faithful to encourage and affirm me when i cry out to Him. He is my soul's source of joy. i believe that He will honor my faithfulness and sincerity.
He confirmed that indeed i am crazy. and that having faith often means doing what others see as crazy! and in the case, what i too have thought to be crazy. absolute absurdity even.
"obsessed people are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. a person who is obsessed with jesus will do things that don't always make sense."

thank you, God, for encouraging me and convicting me though francis chan!! i love how the ways you choose to speak to me are unique to our relationship; you wouldn't speak to anyone else in the same way you speak to me and i am especially fond of that display of intimacy.

i am off to spend more time with my divine love!

[the only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love. galatians 5:6]

Current mood: enthralled with my God!

5:20AM - telos

do you ever see people around you and think that you're going crazy? does it ever seem like every one else in the world has a cognitive and emotional understanding of what they're doing and what their purpose is, but you don't? well this is precisely how i have felt for the past three months, and with time it continues to grow in intensity. on a moralized/demoralized scale of 1 to 10 (1 being the most demoralized and 10 being divine moralization) i'd say in this moment i'm operating at a 5 maybe. but as far as this stage in life, i'd say i'm stuck at a 2 or 3 at best. i thought that this was where God wanted me; i thought that i was responding very obediently and faithfully to move here to being with. i was never so foolish as to think that it would be easy or pleasant, but i did expect that, being in God's will, i would at least feel at peace. but i'm only feel discontent, dissatisfied, unsettled, confused. i second guess this decision daily. multiple times a day even. i am clinging to the idea of hope and stability by a measly thread. i try to convince myself that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that the only way to go from here is up, that if i give it time things truly will get better and i will feel purpose after all. but i just don't see an of that around me. if i could just get some confirmation that i'm not crazy and there is hope and everything will be alright, then i think i could work harder at holding on longer.

i was thinking about it earlier today, and i finally understand why people suffer from addictions like drugs, food, sex, alcohol, porn, shopping, etc. because they can use those things to make sense of what is happening or briefly escape the reality that doesn't make sense to them. i'm not going to lie, if it weren't so expensive i would be a drug addict fo sho.

i've never hated anywhere that i've lived. moving and traveling has been my life and i have loved it so much until this move. i don't understand. i'm a happy person. i love new things. i love new places. i love experiencing new cultures. why don't i love this? why can't i be content and at peace here?

i can't wait for thanksgiving break. i need to be away for a bit. i don't know how it will help, but the thought of a different context is so very encouraging.

please pray for me. i just want to do the right thing; to be the woman i was created to be. and this just doesn't feel right...

Current mood: drained

Sunday, September 10, 2006

9:23AM

skool has only just started and i already cant wait until our next break.....ap is killing me!! and i have not one but three ap classes. im seriously gonna have no life outside of school and work. its so depressing to think about.....only seven more months of this tho and then ill be done. thats what im gonna keep telling myself ne way. iight well im out to go to church. peace!

Current mood: mellow

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

5:38PM

not much goin on today....went to work at bloody 4:30 in the morning!!! and then went to drivers ed. i get my license in friday! *woot woot*. but yeah thats basically it...pretty chill. iight im out. later!

Current mood: content

Monday, July 17, 2006

11:46AM - yay!!

i finally started working on foster and im actually happy now!!!!! life is good.....cant wait til beach day on thursday. man oh man okuma is gonna be great!! jus really depressing that kara wnt be here to experience it all with me.....=[
well ima go shopping with mi madre now so.....later!

Current mood: ecstatic

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

10:11PM - *tear, tear*

man its been an insanely tiring day even though i've done a bunch of nothing. i just got back from drivers ed and could fall asleep where i sit!! and to add to this sheer exhaustion i have to put my life-long friend on a plane on thursday, and say goodbye until christmas! its enough to make me cry......it doesnt even seem like its been six whole weeks....time does, indeed, fly. i sure it has seemed like every second of six weeks to her friends in the states though, so its the least i can do to allow her to go home. oh well....this is all part of the military...i guess ill survive.

Current mood: sleepy

Monday, July 10, 2006

5:19PM

not much going on...jus another amazing day on okinawa!! got up at 2 am to watch the world cup. ITALY IS AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jus got back from bass and plan on hittin up the beach or the seawall tom. life is jus so good here! well cheerio

Current mood: content

Sunday, July 9, 2006

11:51AM

man oh man im crazy bored!! we are in a bloody typhoon so we're on lock-down.....its pretty gay! other than that not too much goin on......ill prob spend the rest of my day watching tv or on the internet.

Current mood: bored